THE COACHING PROCESS I USED TO MAKE MY 7-YEAR-OLD HAPPILY “MARIE-KONDO” HIS TOYS & BOOKS
New Jersey, Spring 2017 — As our sea shipment arrived in our new home as we recently relocated, our days were just around unpacking the 150 boxes (after we had given away a good deal in Singapore) of long-time treasures, the biggest of which were my then-7-year-old son’s toys and books that had been hoarded over years. In an attempt to make my son, Minh, more responsible and independent by participating in housework, I asked Minh to clean up his own room full of unloaded sea of stuff. [We learnt to balance off with minimalism in the process thanks to the relocation!]
When we lived in Singapore, we used to have an in-house helper who took care of cleaning and cooking so somehow, Minh was “spoiled”. Our maid unfortunately was too good (or not so) that despite our telling her to let our son do things by himself, she was still around to tidy up all kinds of mess. On top of that, who says doing chores is more fun than playing Plants vs. Zombies on Ipad or creating a superman from Lego? To be fair, who says cleaning up 50 boxes of toys and books in chaos and full of dust is cool, especially for a 7-year-old buddy?
Well, after about more than half a day, things had finally been in their places and the room looked brighter than ever with neat labelled compartments that are home for dozens of toys. The best part was when the room owner said “I feel happy!” If I had done it by myself so it’d be faster, or if I had demanded/forced him to do it and showed him what and how to do it (as I had used to!), I’d have lost an opportunity for him to learn and practise a few skills in the process — ownership, organizing, teamwork, etc. and a chance for us to bond over a common goal. Here is the coaching process I went through (more or less the process but used flexibly depending on the situation). I will write about the coaching principles in another post in the future — watch out for this space!
Before the actual process kicked in, I was modelling by organising the kitchen and the living room, doing all the dusting and arranging so they look really satisfying at least to my eyes.
1. PAINT A VISION & A GOAL: “Once you have your room up, tidy, and beautiful, you can invite Ivita and Prajin over for a play date!”
In a normal situation, I would ask Minh to define his own goal and help him to shine it so it sounds really inspiring. This time, I had to confess that I could not wait to see the house in order as soon as possible so made one for Minh. However, that goal somehow still created some motivation in him. Well, still, I will ask my client the next time!
2. ASK QUESTIONS TO TRIGGER THINKING ABOUT STRATEGIES & PLAN TO ACHIEVE THE GOAL/VISION, GIVE MINH AUTONOMY & SUPPORT HIM THROUGHOUT THE JOURNEY: One of the biggest qualities of a coach is to believe in human’s potential and to support as appropriate. So I believed in my son’s ability to clean up the boxes. “You are the boss of your room, and I am willing to assist. So you plan and tell me where I can help, OK?”
Mum: Imagine tomorrow you have everything organized beautifully and have your friends over, what would be the big steps you’ve done? [questions about strategies/milestones, following the vision]
Minh: I don’t know!
Mum: [suggest to trigger thinking when needed] Like throw things you don’t need first, then do the toys and then do the books…
Minh: Ah, yeah. There’re things I’ve not used for so long so yes, sort things out to give away. Then I will organize the toys. If I don’t have any more time today, I will do the books.
Mum: And we will celebrate once we finish, huh!
Minh: Yes Mum!
Mum: So how do you decide what things to throw? What are the actions? [questions about actions to reach a strategy/milestone]
Minh: Well, things I don’t use any more. Things that are spoiled.
Mum: Great. How about the toys? How do you like them to be?
Minh: Organized so I know where to get which toys.
Mum: How can you do it?
Minh: I put the certain toys into different boxes.
Mum: And how about we put the label on the boxes as well?
Minh: Yes.
So we did just that. After finishing half of the mountain, we rested over lunch and spoke about the progress. Minh asked, “Mum, what does a boss do?”. I replied, “What does a worker for LEGO do?” Min answered, “Makes the LEGO bricks,” and I continued, “So a boss does a bigger job than that. He takes care of the workers, the customers, the investors, the environment, etc. For example, if you, as a customer, complain about some errors in the LEGO bricks or you have a great idea to make the product better to share, he will make sure to get them fixed and consider your ideas. He also needs to create strategy and plan. For example, he needs to project how many LEGO bricks the customers may want and build a plan around that.”
Minh winked his eyes, “Just like in winter, people need more socks right mum?”. “Something like that,” I said in response, and kept going, “So you are the boss of your room and as your assistant, you would plan and I would do whatever you tell me to do alright?” Minh showed a really big smile, from his mouth and also from his eyes. (Minh actually also asked, “So who takes care of the boss?”, and I said, “His wife.”).
There we went. Minh got all the freedom to choose the boxes, classify the toys accordingly, and put them in the places on the shelves and the cabinet he thought make sense. And he loved it as it was quite LEGOish. For me, I helped him with dusting and labelling.
3. CELEBRATE MILESTONES ACHIEVED: I cooked a really nice lunch with food that Minh loves (he indeed had a 2nd helping)! Somewhere in the middle of the spring cleaning project, Minh said he was hungry. So we all had a big bowl of potato soup as a small reward to settle our stomachs and boost our energy before the actual meal time.
4. REVIEW THE PROGRESS: When it looked like it was 95% done, Minh said, “Mum, we are done.” So I challenged him (the coach does challenge the coachee in the process), “Do you really think so?” Minh answered, “Well, not really.” I asked, “Where do you think we need to finish off so we reach 100%?” and Minh showed a few items scattered around the room.
5. CHECK IN FEELINGS & LOOK AT THE LESSONS LEARNT: At the end when we were 100% mission accomplished, the half of the room with toys looked super tidy and breathable, I asked Minh, “Wow, look at your room, Minh. I like it. How about you?” Minh then did not wait for a second, “Me, too!”. “And how do you feel about it?”, I asked again. “Comfortable and happy.”, answered Minh with a proud smile, and I continued, “So what makes you finish the work well?”. “Sort things out.”, Minh said. “What else?”, another question came from me. “And focus on one thing at a time.”, said my happy boy.
I could also have asked “How do you think you could apply these lessons to anything else?” (If I did, Minh may have said “To the cleaning up of my books” or who knows?!)
6. CELEBRATE! This is a very important step as it helps to optimize the opportunity to hardwire happiness (instead of rushing to the next goal/task like we are wired). I couldn’t recall what we celebrated with. I’d love to hear what would you do with your child to celebrate the work done?
For me, it was a feeling of relief and more love for our new home, and moreover, it was a feeling of being a mother I want to be — patient, motivating and supportive. In my own review of how I could do a better job as a coach to my little client, I wanted to be more patient the next time. I would not rush Minh by keeping asking him where to put this or that item when he was arranging all of the parts of his Hot Wheel into a cabinet compartment to the point where he said “Mum, I cannot focus on many things at a time!”
That night when I went to sleep, I could not help smiling to myself thinking of what Minh exclaimed at the end of the journey, putting a little soft koala bear into a box, “I will create something out of “Others”!” (As we classified the toys, there are a few small items that should not claim the ownership of a whole box, we put them all into a box of miscellaneous things called “Others”.)
That night, I didn’t know that spring cleaning our belongings in a new home off a new land was also the start of the journey to spring clean my career and life as a mother and upgrade them to version 4.0. I became an entrepreneur (while I never believed I could be and should be one!). I could use my unique talents to serve the cause I am passionate about (being a career coach helping mothers, writing for Forbes, Business Insider, and Thrive Global on career & happiness topics). I revolutionalized my parenting my kids and conversing with my husband in hot situations with the tools from my profession: brain-based conversations and coaching. And I uplevelled my own ability to rewire my brain for positivity & happiness with science through transforming daily little annoyances/struggles. For more stories about this journey including those like the above, visit my A Mother 4.0’s Diary FB Page.
*Amy Nguyen is working on a book about her journey of training her mom’s brain to have her all from more peaceful parenting to more solid relationships to successful career pivot and entrepreneurship. Subscribe to her weekly Happier YOU Letter for weekly happiness-fuelled stories and brain-based tips to uplevel your happiness in both work and life.
